…That’s the long and short of it.
Not a day has gone by since the first full week of school that I haven’t regretted my decision to return to BPS. I should never have come back. This blog post flies in the face of something I said in this blog post back in September but right now, I need to vent.
Since the post I linked to above, things have gotten far worse at work for me. Without breaking confidentiality, I was in a classroom environment where I had no chance of feeling successful from the very beginning. I mean in the area of classroom management. I wasn’t even given a chance in short. Both my classroom partner and the principal made it clear to me it wasn’t my fault but the feelings of failure are still there. They were both very angry about the disrespect the class gave me on a daily basis since the first week of school. The principal even asked them why they felt it was ok to not listen to me and none of them could answer. It was just ok as far as they cared. Unsurprisingly, things have begun to improve since I was transitioned out of the class three weeks ago.
Which brings me to last week. As of last week, I have been reassigned to a first grade class for the rest of my time at the school. I say “my time” since I definitely won’t finish this year. I was pushed past my breaking point at the end of September. I tried resigning but due to the loss of family support on the matter, those plans were rescinded last week. I have literally been told by my immediate family to not quit and wait it out. Not the smartest thing to say to someone who’s professed to them they have nothing to live for.
Then there’s my recent hospitalization.
I was dealing with severe stomach pain last Wednesday and left work sick. I actually met with a therapist on the way to the hospital and he reminded me stress can make you sick. About two hours later, I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital. I was in so much pain, I couldn’t move. I was released two days later. The prognosis was a bacterial infection in my stomach and intestines.
This brings me to last night. I spoke to the principal last night over the phone about something work-related that I won’t share here. During the course of the conversation, she laid out why I was being moved to a first grade class, citing my issues working in 4th grade and the needs of my new class. A reshuffling of the deck, nothing I didn’t already know. The matter I talked to the principal about last night presented itself several times today. Like last week, I handed said matter professionally. It’s what I do. The principal mentioned to me towards the end of our conversation last night that she would like to meet with me and my new partner at some point tomorrow. We will certainly have a number of things to discuss tomorrow.
One thing most who do not work in education do not care about is how hard it is. You see, hear and experience alot of things you can’t even speak about due to student confidentiality and depending on what your area of expertise is, you take what you know to the grave. More than a few situations I’ve been in myself come to mind on that note. It is extremely stressful work and due to the influence of politics, it’s become even harder in recent years.
…Yet, folks want me to “wait it out”.
If I didn’t already know going AWOL with BPS wasn’t an option, I’d have done it already. So, as far as I care I only have two options left and both of them have an unpleasant outcome. I am literally trapped in a situation I can’t get out of on my own through normal means. Both options I just mentioned are unpleasant though as of right now, both are imminent for me. As I said before, I’ve gone back to a very dark place and I have nothing to live for. I’ve been much more vague about saying this on this blog up to now because I knew I could handle it on my own. Now I can’t, my family knows I can’t and as I said at the top, I needed to vent. I figure I’m allowed to make one post like this a year. I’m using it now.
My living situation sucks and my working situation is just as bad. I need an intervention.
As soon as possible.