…I consider myself fortunate I communicated to several colleagues my professional aspirations are outside education. As the saying goes, with age comes wisdom. As I said at the beginning of the summer, my return to the classroom was reluctant and a last-minut decision. I never said why until now. The feeling I’m now having is what I wanted to avoid in the first place. I shouldn’t have come back to working in a classroom so soon given how the previous school year ended for me. I should have taken this school year off at the very least.
I actually had one other option but the red tape involved wasn’t something I was willing to accept. No, it wasn’t City Year though now that I think of it, I did say to several folks 10 years ago that I would return in ten years. Unfortunately for me, I don’t meet the qualifications for any of the current open positions. This other final option I won’t name…let’s just say I would use it only in the event I was no longer able to work due to illness. As it happens, a new heart condition I learned about over the summer would be a sufficient precondition for this other final option.
The last time I used it, ironically I was burned out after barely finishing high school and doing data entry for six weeks in 2002. Alot of the things that went on with me from November 2002 to July 2003…well, let’s just say I was very close to doing something reckless before I started the application process with City Year in August 2003.
Getting back to my main point, I’m glad I was up front with my new school about my time there being only for this school year. I had no long-term plans when I applied for the position so…yeah. Unlike 10 years ago when I first started working as a Paraprofessional, I have the advantage of knowing what to expect this time. That said, I will approach this year the same as last year and see how far I can go. The problems I ran into last year aren’t present this year so for me, it’s simply a question of endurance. I’d be lying to myself if I know for sure I’ll make it to June despite what I told someone last week. It’s just a question of endurance and being honest, the fact that I have doubts this early on is a clear sign I shouldn’t have come back so soon.
It’s not a matter of if I can do the work or not. If I didn’t think I couldn’t do it at all, I wouldn’t have reapplied four weeks ago. My problem is I knew I didn’t want to come back and that’s why I feel the way I do now. If I had to put it in words, right now I’m just going through the motions at work. My thinking is do what’s expected of me at work until I find an opportunity to move on.
The silver lining is I got what I needed this past week. I know I can do the job where it counts the most: Support students in the classroom. Class transitions outside the classroom is still an area of concern for me and it’s what I will focus on for the rest of the month. I can’t afford to be identified as “unreliable” in this regard especially at the beginnning of the school year so…yeah. It’s not every day you get to do something for the first time three times in a row!
Anywho, I won’t talk about my employment status again unless there is a significant change. I am mindful some of my former colleagues do read my blog. This is why I am purposeful and intentional with the way I craft posts of this nature. I try to leave no room for speculation while at the same time I avoid intentionally saying things that would be detrimental to me professionally. That said, I have no problem owning up to the things I say on my blogs if asked.