As some of you are already aware, exactky two months ago I was hospitalized for Depression. I was at a point in my life where I could no longer keep the darkness around me at bay any longer.
Not a day since then has gone by without the realization the person I was until July 2, 2014 died that day. The unseen scars inflicted on me over the years took their toll on that day. Not just because of how deep they are but because they were never allowed the chance to fully heal. I believe I said this in a You Tube video a few years ago but when you’ve been emotionally abused by your own family for as long as I have, what happened two months ago shouldn’t have been a surprise.
I certainly wasn’t surprised.
I wasn’t surprised when they prettymuch pretended it never happened, either. It’s exactly what I expected to happen. And yes, I’ve gone through life expecting to be emotionally and verbally abused. It’s the one constant in my life that became harder to cope with in recent years.
I’ll pause from being cryptically philosophical for a bit and say this:
- I have no support system and haven’t since I was in City Year. I tell every (City Year) alumni I’ve met over the years City Year saved my life. It not only did that but it helped me find an ideal to strive for.
- My tolerence level for anything stressful is virtually non-existant when it doesn’t involve kids. I will always have patience for kids. The way I was treated growing up is why there is nothing I will not do to help a child. This is one aspect that will never change. Yes, even to a fault.
- This might not surprise those who’ve read them but some of the more graphically detailed scenes in stories I’ve written over the years were written during the low points in my life. That is why I’ve often told folks “I write, therefore I am.” Reading my stories from Fanfiction.net and Fictionpress is a fairly accurate way to gauge my mood.
I’ve never been good at hiding my true feelings so I don’t bother trying. When I’m feeling down it’s pretty obvious. In my case, it’s been more than I’ve let on. I told one of my coworkers last week “it’s when you’re down that you have to smile the most.” It’s been a a struggle for me over the last few weeks just to get out of bed.
When I was in the hospital, one of my doctors told me I deserve to feel happy and enjoy the things I like to do. The reality is my right to the pursuit of happiness has been violated for so long it’s nothing but a myth to me.
When school starts in two days, everyone will see for themselves I’m not the same person I was this time last year. The person I used to be wasn’t strong enough to do what needed to be done. I cared too much about making big mistakes and made big mistakes anyway. I got complacent and made the mistake of believing that would be overlooked. The person I am now…well, the price has already been paid. I’m not going to talk about what may or may not happen simply because I don’t know.
I’ll let my school community judge for itself.